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Dear Mary,
I am having some problems with my mother-in-law. She keeps leaving a pumpkin sitting on my doorstep for me to find with “you” written on it and a knife sticking out of it. I know it’s her doing it because, (A) She hates me. (B) I know she saw it on a Saturday Night Live repeat. (C) She hates me.
What can I do to get her to cut it out?...Uh, I mean stop it.
Shaky in SF
Dear Shaky,
You need to get some drugs into this woman fast. A tranquilizer dart and a dependable rifle to fire it with are your keys to bliss!
Hi Mary,
I know you are a romantic adviser, but I need some help with a different kind of problem. I can’t seem to find a matching pair of socks anywhere that doesn’t have some form of hole in them. Why does one sock always disappear? And not only that, what’s with the one shoe thing? I notice when I am walking around the city, that I often see one shoe lying around. How do you lose one shoe and not the other?
Wondering in LA
Dear Wondering,
You are delving into mysteries too deep for you. Get out while you still can, and never ask those questions again.
Deer Mary,
I startee to writee this thingie, but now i forgeted. Why the flow no go? Where’s the Captain? Kirk! Wrestle with your existential self quickly, the Zelfoids are attacking! AAAAARRRGGGGHHH!!!!! Thanks a lot, Mary, now I’m dead!
Captain Galaxy
Dear Captain,
I would like to be able to say I’m sorry about your recent and untimely demise, however, I’m really not. With an ill considered name like Captain Galaxy, you are certainly what would be considered a second stringer in superhero parlance, and your death at the hands of the first wave of a bunch of low class nothings like the Zelfoids only serves as further proof of your ineptitude. You won’t be missed, should have tried harder. Nyaaa
Dear Mary,
Ever since I made that stupid Ghost Rider movie my head keeps catching on fire. It happened at the convenience store last night, and scared the counter girl so bad she peed on herself and now she’s suing me. What can I do?
Nick
Dear Nick
Make some lemonade...Ghost Rider II....
Hlo Mary,
I love you baby, you’re so hot baby....Oh yessss loves my Mary please give me money Mary, I wantsss your money Mary Pleassssse gives it to me my preciousssss money money money my precioussss. I wants money Marrrrryyyyyyy. Hiss.
Uncle Sam
Dear Uncle,
Every April, you get like this.
Hi everybody, it’s great to be back! I have been on hiatus and I hope you missed me! I sure missed being here. Please send your romantic problems to me: mary@freevideogamesite.com and I will pretend to care. Please do not spam this address. Love, love, much love to you all, and I will be back soon!
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