I guess I should apologize for the last column. I really didn't mean to be insensitive to anybody's needs or anything, and my boss told me I should say I'm sorry if I expect to keep this column. He also told me I should be more sensitive in the future. Then he told me what he did last Saturday night, which was probably a mistake, because I had a cassette recorder going in my desk drawer.

I'm not sure if I am really qualified to write this column or not, since I'm single. I have kind of lot of guys I talk to in chat, tho. Here's a copy of an E-mail I got yesterday. I will use it to show you how not to approach a girl.
 

Maryy...mary..you are godiss i kiss your feeet ilove you PLEASE PLEASRE PLEASR PLEASEmary

Your lovee
Ahmed Poorjin

As you can see, there are a lot of problems with Ahmed's approach to me. Here's how it should read.
 

Mary, Mary...You are a Goddess. I will kiss your feet. I love you. Please, please, please please, Mary.
I have signed over the deed to my house and car title to you. You never have to see me or talk to me again.

Your love,
Ahmed Poorjin

Now, that's better. Remember to always use the spell checker. It always pays to look smarter.
 

This is a new column so write to me with your questions, and I will try to answer all I have time for, which may not be a lot, because I have this neat little cassette tape which says I don't have to work much or do a very good job. Well, bye for now...Mary

 Previous column

Hi! I'm back from vacation! It was a long week and I had a pretty good time. Andy has been telling lots of wild stories about me, don't believe a word of it; I deny everything.
It's true I stood on the sports car for Becky to take pictures, because she insisted she needed some pictures of a sports car with a pretty girl posing on it for a site she is working on. It's true I had a few loud words with the owner and his bride to be. Some punches might have gotten thrown, and some other stuff may or may not have happened. I know nothing further.

I'm going to try to turn this column into a real help for all you guys who are looking for a girl. I swear. Real soon. First, tho I really want to apologize for a bunch of stuff. I really don't have time to apologize to anyone individually, so just take your pick of the ones that apply to you, print them out and mail them to someone who cares.

                   I'm Sorry

by Mary Cherry

1. I'm sorry I didn't get your links up.

2. I'm sorry I didn't get your article up.

3. I'm sorry you are such an idiot.

4. I'm sorry I crashed the site again.

5. I'm sorry I put the site on a new web editor and now everything is written in Chinese.

6. I'm sorry Becky spends all her money on drugs and can't afford to bring lunch, and steals mine from the company fridge.

7. I'm sorry I screwed up our mail server and got all our mail sent to Cuba.

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